The Nearly-Wed Handbook: How To Survive The Happiest Day Of Your Life

From the very beginning, you knew something was weird. On the first date, there were no awkward silences. No early warning signs of psychopathology on the second. By the third date, you were struck with a revelation: "We are actually having a third date!"

And now you're engaged! Together you've entered a strange new world of deranged caterers, militant photographers, and prima donna floristes. You lie awake each night pondering the Big Questions: "Sit-down or buffet?" "Band or DJ?" "Cash bar or open bar?" You find yourselves incapable of discussing anything non-nuptial, and you won't rest until you've registered for those perfect pewter grape scissors...

Are the two of you going nuts? No, you're just planning a wedding! And as you begin your new lives as Nearly-weds, keep one thing in mind: To have a successful marriage, all you need is trust, respect, and undying love. But to have a successful wedding, you'll need something a whole lot harder to sustain: a sense of humor. The Nearly-Wed Handbook will keep you laughing all the way down the aisle.

Humorist Dan Zevin--who adamantly insists that he "in no way" modeled his characters "Stan" and "Peg" after himself and his wife Meg--has compiled a belly-busting guide to the potential horrors of matrimonial planning. It's the perfect antidote for any engaged couple who has come to blows over the numerous and annoying details of planning their so-called perfect day.

Zevin offers much in the way of words of wisdom. He suggests an apt nickname for those stuck-up gift registry attendants: "cyborgs." He advises that for the benefit of the impending marriage, the groom's bachelor party should not include dalliances with women with names like Chestitty. He claims that if things progress the way they did for his "Peg," then each bride needs to allow for at least one gown fitting per pound of body weight. He also concedes that it's the bride who ultimately gets to pick where the reception will take place, so grooms should abandon all hope of influencing this decision.

Zevin's most ominous warning is that how no matter how career-oriented an engaged woman may be--even if she owns "four (4) briefcases" like Peg--she will be overcome by a giant force: her Inner Bride. This means she will suddenly and surreptitiously procure and pore through every 8,000-page issue of every bridal magazine possible. She'll make appointments at places like Madam Snootella's Bridal Boutique, where there's a 14-week wait for appointments, where the sales help reads Town and Country, and where the dresses all make her look like a giant pi?ata. Ladies, if you couldn't understand what exactly was happening to you, well, Zevin's demystified this scientific phenomenon that's worthy of being featured in an episode of In Search Of. And gentlemen, consider yourselves warned.

Beneath its humor, Zevin's book has a real message that should be well heeded by all Nearly-Weds: there's a difference between getting married ("You want to spend each and every moment together") and getting weddinged ("You spend each and every moment together trying to figure out which table senile Uncle Abe should sit at"). And remember, you can always elope. --Erica Jorgensen